Been giving a topic plenty of thought periodically, and here’s the conclusion I keep coming to: my desire to opt out of buying into society’s game doesn’t stem from rebellion so much as truly taking issue with how unfairly rigged shit’s become for everybody. It’s an all-consuming game that most folks never really win, even if it appears so relative to one another. And this sets up a moral conundrum, seeing as how it’s ultimately unsustainable where it stands now and where it’s headed. So, aside from being a jerk, my motivation there is more complex than “rebel without a cause or clue” antics.
Just wanted to state that. The question of what I’m doing and what’s my motivation comes back around frequently, as it should, and I keep coming up concluding that there’s something fundamentally unstable about what we have going on today and what people think they’re trying to do, so why go along with it any more than I have to? Might make me look like a stubborn mule, but so be it. Opting out where able is required, at least at this juncture, for following my bliss.
This notion that we all need to view ourselves as belonging on the same team strikes me as kinda eerie sometimes. Necessary at times, but not always. Some of us are coming to terms with and learning to embrace our supposed obsolescence, but that needn’t lead to submitting to the status quo without any resistance. If the setup is unsuitable, it’s unsuitable, and that doesn’t change just because it’s damn-near insurmountable.
If I’m doing others a favor by figuring out what’s best for me so that I can be reasonably happy, then I need to maintain the flexibility and freedom of expressiveness to call bullshit where I see it and to avoid it if possible. Regardless of what laws are on the books or what the majority might wish to believe on any given matter. That’s them, and this is me.
I worry too damn much about some people’s reactions to my way of being that it’s warped me into something I don’t wish to be. Actually felt like I was freer a decade back and then something got blocked up along the way. Overload of feedback from others began overwhelming me in a big way, especially considering how much of it was conflicting. Now I’ve come to a point where I really do need to reclaim myself and my own personal space and figure out where to focus more of my attention. But directing my energy toward playing the game better or in a more socially-acceptable fashion still isn’t going to be the aim.