Friday afternoon thoughts

Home for an hour before I have to head back out to work.

Been thinking. This year has started out just as rough as the last. People can blame the individual for their circumstances all they want, but it doesn’t necessarily change a thing. I realize I should be doing a number of things according to what others believe is needed to make personal improvements, but the reality is that I am losing faith in this whole societal project and am experiencing a great deal of turmoil inside in relation to my life and past that I seem unable to move away from. We tend to refer to this as being depressed, so I’ll use that term too for simplicity’s sake. An internet pal referred me recently to the German term “weltschmerz” which mean “world-weariness,” and I find that’s more fitting.

I go out in society and am surrounded by a sea of strangers trying to navigate around one another to go about our days. I go to the bar where people “know” me and real conversation is rarely possible. Turned to volunteer work and still felt like a stranger going through the motions. Apparently I do not communicate or play well with others. I turn to my friends, the few left anyway, and I feel like I’m burdening them with my sorrow and frustrations. So I try to stay alone more and more, and it’s taking a toll on me emotionally.

People like to tell each other to “go see a professional,” as if that’s the answer (and as if it’s so easy to find a quality one in the bunch without spending a fortune searching for them). What ails us can’t be cured with drugs. And if talking about problems solved them, I’d have been free and clear years ago.

I am lonely, and online interaction doesn’t alleviate it at all. My real-life relationships are endangered at this point, partly due to my own missteps and I’m so very sorry for that. There’s so much pressure to be something I’m not, and what I am today is someone I never wanted to be, someone I am thoroughly frustrated with. But no human is an island, and I keep reflecting back on so many experiences and people who helped mold me, for better or worse, and who take up space in regions of my psyche and/or heart, whether they deserve it or not. Pain pays forward, and I’ve gone on to hurt others, which in turn further hurt myself. It’s come to be a vicious cycle that I don’t know how to get outside of. And when I turn to those who know me, it seems they’d rather I not and that I figure out a way to handle this on my own. But what do you do when what’s eating you is fundamentally social in nature?

People like to say that we should avoid those who bring us down, those who are “negative” and unhappy and not helping us to become better versions of ourselves. While I understand that on one level, I also see the alienating paradox of that proposal. How much can one really change completely on their own? Nobody lives in a bubble and we’re all impacted by others, directly and indirectly, intentional or otherwise.

Exercise doesn’t remedy a hole in the heart. Setting and achieving goals is the advice commonly offered up to keep one busy and focused so as to keep truckin’. But where are we headed?

They say life is what you make of it, that it’s a journey defined by ourselves, but it’s all connected, we’re all connected, and we influence one another so deeply. I’ve come to believe present times are inhospitable for very sensitive people because it’s oh-so easy to wind up damaged, perhaps irreparably so. And then what? What happens after that? Depends on the fortitude of one’s character, so they say. Well, I’m getting the impression that my character isn’t strong enough to keep battling these storms. I’m tired inside, I miss so many people, and I’ve apparently made a mess of my life up until this point.

Why do I share this? Why not? I’m one human being out here who’s very distraught and am tired of pretending otherwise in an effort to not inconvenience others. I do regret burdening my loved ones and those who rely on me, but the rest of the world can kiss my ass.

That’s where I stand at the moment.

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