Tumultuous — that’s how I would describe my love life over the past year. We fight bad far too often. I have a guilty conscience, and he has resentment. Sometimes we say things to one another we don’t mean. Especially recently. We’re broke up once again but still speak on the phone daily and occasionally spend nights together, which I assume will continue. We’re trying to figure out how to move forward as close friends without all the expectations and unnecessary drama that’s been bogging us down. But it’s complicated on all fronts.
For most of this I have no one to blame but myself. I got us into the biggest mess initially and am trying to figure a way out that suits us both. No easy answers. No available shortcuts. Very depressing overall.
Much of the problem lies with me, because I’m torn in two in terms of what I want and who I’m supposed to be. While I know I love him dearly, the “free bird” in me accepts no cages. It’s a question of belonging vs. freedom, but I’ve had freedom for many years already so why can’t I just lay some of that down and move on to another chapter in life? Because freedom led to compulsion in some areas, and that’s a whole other beast to reckon with, as I’ve been figuring out.
It can’t be healthy to cry this much. My sadness is making others I care about feel badly too, and that’s no good. It would help if I could figure out which way is up.
Lesson learned: keep promises to the ones who matter most.