Guilt, pain, and recognition of my limitations and obligations

Got something on my mind, speaking to the universe…

Already written this up before on here but then pulled it down. Too raw, not everyone else’s business (not that any of my private matters are, but this pain is still fairly fresh). Let me just say this as my confession: I lied and behaved wrongly, knowingly, and hurt somebody I love very much a couple years back. And I’ve been the bad guy ever since, as is understandable. He and I are still in each other’s lives, but the damage done was severe. No going back on that.

I’ve thought about my actions and choices daily since, but no excuse I can offer can make amends for harming my loved one in a way I promised not to. All of the introspection has led me to the conclusion that I am unable to function in a relationship in that capacity at this point in life, extending indefinitely into the future. It’s become painfully obvious to me that I am not girlfriend material — romantic relationships on an exclusive level stress me the hell out. Apparently I’m not cut out and will have to enjoy loving connections on a different level with those I’m closest with, because it seems I am not able or willing to be entirely loyal in all ways. Though let me state right there that my loyalty to my loved ones is fierce, but there are some promises I just shouldn’t make.

I hurt my lover, and it is my fault, and I had to tell him I don’t think it’s wise to invest in me to that degree any longer, and I’m very sorry. Outsiders may look upon these sort of things as just a matter or reckless selfishness, and that likely does factor in, but that’s not all of it. It’s old lifestyles and habits dying hard, and while I thought I was out of the woods, it turns out there’s a long way to go and that it is a road I need to walk alone because I don’t wish to do more harm to those I cherish. And it sucks to feel like the responsible thing is to distance myself, but I see no other way as of right now. I need to keep working on myself and just work on being a better friend instead.

What I did was unacceptable and in some people’s eyes probably unforgivable. He says he forgave me, but it did irreparable damage, and that’s the consequence. Not only did our relationship suffer, but we individually have suffered and his heart and mind were deeply hurt. That’s not how love can operate, and he didn’t deserve that. And I don’t want to do any more harm than I’ve done already.

It’s been a fucking depressing last couple of years. But I’m still living and learning and experiencing and rehashing inside… What else can one do but learn life’s lessons and carry on? Better that I realize my limitations than make the mistake of trying to insert myself where I don’t belong.

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