Personal grieving (working through personal matters)

“Psychosomatic Illness caused by Porous Ego Boundaries due to Narcissistic Parent”:

Been watching this video on and off over the last few days (after having watched a couple of his others before that). Pretty heavy, depressing material, but that’s how my spirit feels these days so I’m going with these feelings so as to try once again to move beyond this state of mind, hopefully someday for good (if that’s possible).

Pausing at 41:07…He’s absolutely right about the human mind’s capacity to torture itself. It really is amazing. Fretfully so.

But that part about the female letter-writer saying she fears her Dad dying more than anything else on earth — I get that. That was my fear too, for my Grandparents to die. Then Papa did die, and now Grandma’s nearing her 73rd birthday, though she remains in very good health and is still working outside the home (plus helping raise her great-granddaughter — forever the blessed caretaker). Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to emotionally distance myself from her in a way after experiencing Papa’s death, because I worry losing her will be even more painful since she’s one of my bestfriends. She was my main parent who I knew I could count on and believe in. We had our problems, and she is not perfect, but she’s been a good Grandma and I needed her all throughout my life.

As someone now in my early 30s, I feel like such a big baby in still being this upset about losing people, but the reality is my own lifetime feels very much bound up with my loved ones’ life spans. The truth is that I cannot imagine a life without my Grandparents or my closest guy friend (or even my partner from my recently ended romantic relationship). For me, they are the light, and I cannot even type this without falling to pieces. Losing my Papa felt like losing the first in line. Then my ex-husband died a little over a year later, which was a bit shocking. Now I seem especially worried about losing those who remain, though I have a very push-and-pull relationship with them. On one hand they’re such a big deal in my heart and mind, and yet physically I distance myself or as in the case of my partner, I literally jeopardized the situation, not wanting to but not feeling as if I could help it, and that’s given me a lot of grief throughout. It’s drama, and I came into that really not wanting to create negativity, but then Papa died and I just didn’t hold it together well after that. And I didn’t feel my partner understood or provided sufficient comfort, so everything just got stupid. And I’m very ashamed of that. That wasn’t who I wanted to be, but it’s who I was.

Right after Papa died I felt pretty stoic for a couple of months, and while down in Mississippi that week I held up my best for my Grandma. When I returned to the Midwest I thought things would be okay and that I could go forward trying to emulate Papa’s strong points in keeping his memory close. Because he had lived a long life and there’s no reason to wish him to be back here, and I don’t. It’s like I’m fine with him dying, but being left behind worries me. And worrying about clinging too hard to my other loved ones concerns me. So I’ve retreated more to myself in my own apartment. And I think that also wound up causing stress on my relationship since I haven’t felt too well overall.

It’s like once the winter holidays approached after Papa’s passing, that’s when the tension really set in, and I did turn to my lover more and outright demanded his attention and affection, but he had started at a new job and was working harder and it was getting cold out, and he just kinda backed up some. He didn’t mean to, and we’ve talked about it many times since then. But I didn’t handle that period in time well. Not at all. Telling the universe my secrets right now, I really became self-destructive, and I hurt someone I love very much. And I feel like I broke everything and am so sorry. But some things can’t be undone, words can’t be unspoken.

And this is what I refer to as “tossing a knife in the blender” — when things seem to going well on some level, I get really uncomfortable and act out in a way that pushes the other person away. It’s like “independence” has become a defense mechanism of sorts, and yet underneath it all I probably am extremely reliant on close attachments. It’s a ridiculous conundrum that I’ve yet to figure out how to resolve. Because it’s not rational, so reasoning against it doesn’t ever seem to do much good. It’s about impulsive behaviors and choices, reckless even sometimes. Selfish — it feels in a sense like an attempt to lick my wounds, to treat myself with the distractions I’ve over time learned to rely upon. But they’re not good habits, not emotionally healthy or even sometimes morally justifiable. But that drive remains in me despite understanding that, and it fucks up my shit from time to time.

But then I wonder if maybe that’s also due to me trying to fit my “square” self through a “round” hole, like part of the trouble here is that I do keep denying my own nature to an extent in aiming to please others so they will stay around. BUT, how much of that is really about my nature rather than my conditioning over time? My nature seems to dictate that when trouble strikes, I do what I need to do to distract myself and then get myself right again, and that appears to largely be a solo venture in terms of navigating. My romantic relationship (I call it that just to differentiate it from other relationships I’m engaged in, not sure what else to refer to it here in aiming to be clear) had a lot working against it from the start, but we didn’t want to accept that because we were so charmed by one another. But I needed things he couldn’t give me, so I went in search of a remedy without him. And everything got very dark for a number of months, and we fought and argued terribly. Then things looked better for a while and the fighting lessened, but still, when we did argue it was so bad, and that’s largely due to my own aggressiveness.

But we were mismatched, he knows it and I know it. We love one another but we need different things out of life apparently. I do miss him very much and hope we’re able to be friends. But I feel very responsible for injuring his faith in romance since he really is a sweet guy.

And now he’s gone back to tending to his own life, as he should. But God I wish things could have been different.

It’s just very tough right now to see beyond all of this and to imagine future possibilities and what relationships and friendships may lay in store. Life feels so long already. lol  That’s both funny and sad. I’m just so frickin’ tired of being on this merry-go-round and not knowing how to effectively regain control of the reins of my life so as to direct it in a more meaningful direction. Because regardless of how many years I have left on this planet, must those years be tormented by past pains and regrets?

That’s a question I’m sitting with right now. Time to head out for a while.

Back a few hours later after talking to my partner on the phone. I realize things aren’t so bad, it’s just a really rough spot in life. He’s pretty understanding and we both care about one another, so we’ll move forward as just that: companionable friends. See how that goes.

Waiting for pizza to be delivered…might as well finish listening to the last 10 minutes of this video.

Anger’s flipside is sadness . . . underlying rage resurfaces, getting cranky too frequently, childishness . . . I get what he’s saying there in the end, also the part about acknowledging sadness for what it is instead of reacting angrily (and I used to feel I was doing better at that, but here’s to backsliding). Ah well, we pick up and keep carrying on, because we do continue to care. I love my loved ones and genuinely want them to be happy, even if that happens to be among others and away from me. Because they are good people. And I hope to get back in a healthier state so that I can bring more of positive value to their tables going forward.

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