I’ve become distracted. Been in a hell of a mood lately, largely because my back hurts. Lots going on in life right now. Relationship turmoil. Trying to find my next car in a hurry. Busy workweek with crazy hours. A great deal on my mind. And of course, there’s the perpetual gripe about how many assholes exist in society (myself included, sure, to an extent, but damn! Some folks seem like all they want to do is fight and insult others, especially online.).
I’m just tired, more now than usual, but it’s not a new feeling. What the fuck do I believe in? I don’t know. What should I believe in? What is there to really believe in anymore? I believe in my loved ones, which isn’t to say that they’re always 100% honest but that their love helps tie me into the game of life. Without them I don’t know where I’d be. Nowhere good.
Next I believe there’s more to this life than we humans will ever understand. Some shit is just beyond our comprehension. Nothing wrong with that. We experience what we’re able, even if we can’t usually clearly convey our experiences to one another. What’s beyond our comprehension is also necessarily beyond the scope of our languages. I’m fine with all of that and take it as a given, and what that helps serve to do is to create a reminder of our human limitations. Nothing wrong with cutting ourselves back down to size regularly — our tendency is toward arrogance otherwise.
Now, what else do I believe? I believe most folks are both good and bad, not mostly good as so many like to assume. No, I recognize us for the opportunists we are. We are also very often hypocrites, especially now that relative anonymity makes it more difficult to fact-check in a sea of strangers. And we’ll never eradicate our rough and deceptive tendencies, because they serve dual functions — that is unless someday we wind up genetically re-engineered in some “Brave New World”-sort of fashion (long after I’m dead and gone). But back to dual functions, because that’s important. Much as we like to divide everything into black and white, right and wrong, good and bad, virtue and vice, the reality is much more complicated. Welcome to human life — that’s what it’s all about. Shades of gray, some darker or lighter, but all on a gradient.
We very often have a tendency toward cowardice as well, hence why heroism strikes us as so exceptional and commendable.
Men and women do differ, but individuals break down to their own unique combinations of traits, predispositions, environmental influences and experiential input. This need to reduce people down to clumps and groups that we can speak so generally about to where conversations unravel into nonsense — it’s doing nothing for us. Just contributing to all the clattering, making noise, stoking the embers of hostilities in one another.
Look, I’m in a bad mood today and will just spell it out. We’re driving one another fucking crazy. If people are fine with that and still think the benefits outweigh the psychological and social costs associated with maintaining a bullshit status quo, then I’m on the wrong planet or was born in the wrong era. But whatever. When I say people are going to do what they’re going to do, it may come across as defeatist, but it’s true. People don’t want to talk about what’s going on today — they want to blame and point fingers and throw around statistics they’re barely acquainted with just because they appear to bolster their own pre-formed beliefs. Humans are terrific rationalizers, that being one of our species’ specialties.
At this point, what is there left to do but dream? I do my best to pay as low of taxes as I can since this war machine is paid too much already. I speak up at any opportunity to declare bullshit on so much we have going on the U.S. I’ve refrained from having children, lightening the load for myself and others. (Just think, you all dodged a bullet on having to deal with whomever I managed to screw up. You’re welcome.) Been trying to make sense out of my life experiences and come to terms with where I’ve personally been in the wrong, much as I continue to make mistakes, but how can one avoid doing so? New experiences equal new opportunities for mistakes and learning. That’s just how life goes.
And I’ve vocalized my frustration with what movements I have dabbled in and am in the process of trying to share what tidbits life has been teaching me. But what do I know? I’m a malcontent Luddite apparently. Obsolete. It’s not a pleasant thought, but it’s a reality that it seems I must come to grips with and accept.
People want to scream over one another, forever clanging their pots and pans and trying to drown out what they perceive as their opposition. Bunch of noise. What is to come of it other than driving one another nuts? What do we hope to accomplish, if anything? I want to know, but people won’t say other than by tossing out vague terms like “equality” and “egalitarianism” and “humanism.” But what do they want to see? Most, I believe, want to see something similar to what is already in place. And I suppose if that’s their dream, then so be it, but I don’t share it. And I don’t know what else there is to do right now but to focus in more on my own life and matters that are my responsibility or where I have power.
Is it just me, or does the world feel too big?
Back to my cave now.